A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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