my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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