Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
