VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
