Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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