my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
