My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
