In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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