Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
A+ Viking dick
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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