not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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