Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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