Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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