its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
