You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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