And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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