Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
