i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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