epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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