It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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