i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
