Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
