So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
