I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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