Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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