someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
