Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
