I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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