dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
