for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
