if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
