Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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