There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
