Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
