It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
