I think my fart just growled at me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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