I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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