So drunk its hurt
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
