I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
