I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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