He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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