I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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