Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
