If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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