$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
