first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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