I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
