true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
