i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need water and some morals
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
