She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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