Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
