We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
