In the future we'll all be gay
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The best revenge is premature balding
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
